My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We are two peas in an std pod
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
