I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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