We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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