My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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