I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
