The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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