I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Houston, we have a squirter
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
