I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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