the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
