I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
