What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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