So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
