Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
