so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
