I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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