I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
