She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
