apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
