he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
