It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
