I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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