??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I am available for nakedness
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