Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
