he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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