So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
