it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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