just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
