Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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