Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
