Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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