WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
