i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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