Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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