I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
