I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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