Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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