woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
