What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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