Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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