She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
