Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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