hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
