I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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