I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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