I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
