I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize