The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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