If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
