Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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