don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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