I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
