Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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