a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
