he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
