there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize